Feedback on the Exam

Published January 1, 2011 by tootingtrumpet

From March 2007

“…he is also one of a handful of Englishmen to have gained the LMA-sponsored diploma in football management from Warwick University.” The Guardian March 9 2007.

The following text is reproduced from a sheet of paper found next to a photocopier at Warwick University. 

Tutor Feedback Dip in FM 2007

Pie and chips on the coach on the way back from an away game does not constitute carbohydrate-loading. You should consider working with a qualified nutritionist to produce individualised diet sheets. Red Bull and vodka willnot replace salts lost during a match.

Pre-season training should concentrate on building balanced muscle growth and losing excess fat, avoiding over-training and consequent injury. Whilst running up sandhills may be a valuable component of such work, it shouldnot be the sole form of exercise and never prolonged until “the Big Fella vomits”. It is also not advisable to deposit the first “puker” into the sea, nor to collect used condoms from the beach to throw around on the team bus, whether this activity builds team spirit or not.

New recruits to the club should undergo a detailed health assessment and be immediately issued with instructions on developing and maintaining fitness. This process should be integrated into an all-encompassing induction programme. Taking the new lads to a lap-dancing club then stripping them and tying them to a lamppost whilst recording the evening on mobile phones does not constitute an appropriate induction.

Promoting mental agility is an important element of building decision-making capacity through all members of the squad. However, convening card schools to play No Limit Texas Hold’em until 5.00am the night before a Champions League game is not a suitable activity. It is not the coach’s role to advise young players never to raise if holding a straight draw with just the river card to come.

With football’s role in the community being recognised as crucial in addressing social exclusion, a young player should be encouraged to use his free afternoons to link with voluntary groups or fund raise through charitable works. Advice such as “Dunno. Go home and watch Countdown like me” is not constructive.

Agents are now licensed with a clear and valuable role to play in football. It is not acceptable to scream abuse down the phone at them even in role play, nor is it acceptable to “get my boy to google them on his computer and see if we can blackmail the oily bastard”. Speaking fluent French is not indicative of criminal intent.

Overall it is clear that there is still some way to go before I would wish to put your name forward for final assessment. I wish to see a marked improvement in your attitude – “Let’s put our caps on the table then shall we?” is not seen as a clinching argument at Warwick University

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